Puke, cry, pass-out or... work it!

It was a countdown in my head, monotone like Ben Stine.
One day, you have one day until you have to take your shirt off in front of everyone…. Two hours, you have two hours until you’ll only be wearing a sports bra and shorts… (By this time, mind you, I was sulking on my couch praying that if I complained enough my boyfriend would give me the out I was looking for.)
After our group competitor workout, came the voice even louder and I could feel my legs turn to lead. You have ten minutes until you’re in front of everyone…. With no shirt. Of course, I found a way to be the last girl to join the other bikini and figure ladies and waited until the last possible second to take off my shield.

For those of you unaware, I am 6.5 weeks out from my first bikini competition, the Emerald Cup. Every other week here at iPhysique, we competitors meet for Saturday Conditioning and follow with posing practice. The closer we get to show, the more our coaches ask us to reveal. And coming from a girl who a few weeks ago had to go buy a pair of shorts because I hadn’t worn them publicly since childhood, this has been no easy feat.

It was the oddest feeling, standing there, like I couldn’t decide which visceral emotion to let take over. I know some of my female clients feel intimidated working out around some of the fit women here, but please believe, my inner chubby girl has gone nowhere! Earlier last week I had to miss the mid-week posing class due to training schedule. And catching a glimpse of one of the girls’ legs (sooo much smaller than my own) caught me off-guard and I started the death-trap of comparisons.  That was Wednesday. By Thursday I had 90% thrown in the towel and fallen face-first into a jar of maple almond butter. Friday, by the help of our lovely front desk woman, Karen, I had started to come out of it. And decided to just embrace the process, mortification, mini failures, successes and all. And there is a lot of extra I was not prepared for. Thankfully, my trainer has assured me it will tighten up, but currently I have so much loose skin on my stomach, when I bend over it looks like I’m hugging a shar pei.

Nonetheless, posing practice when well, and with every stride I felt less like panicking. It really had sunk in that I was here, and I was doing this competition for a good reason.

Friday night I was back in a crummy mood and just praying that God would give me motivation again. I caught the tail-end of a sermon on the radio and the pastor was talking about Daniel and how well he lived his life set-apart. He concluded his message with the phrase “when God calls you to do something, you don’t do it halfway. You do it with excellence.” I was so struck by that, I felt renewed.  I’m sure that few people would see it the same way, but when I look at where my life has been and the events leading up to where I am today, I see a clear path that God has forged (and I say Him, because there is no way some of these were of my own choosing and I never would have figured the dots could ever connected without Him).  So at the end of conditioning, while just trying to stay dedicated to this mission, I reminded myself of what “this mission” is.

I do this for my clients and every other person who has dealt with issues of body, health, motivation, and the like. I want to show people that it doesn’t matter where you’re coming from or what you’re up against, you can get what you want and do what you want with your life. Now, growing up, my concept of what I wanted was to be a famous singer and motivate people through music and a strong message. But as time has passed, I have seen that my life has revolved around health and fitness so much more than music.

Being a trainer for me is so much more than getting people in shape. I want others to feel good in their body and embrace with vigor the life they have and how good they can make it.

Competition, for me, isn’t about having a cute bikini and feeling glamorous for a day. Because the months of strict dieting, cardio, lifting, cooking, and more cooking aren’t easy. It’s more of a mental battle for me than anything else. The above gets easy over time, just like anything else. However, the mind, staying focused on priorities, choosing to stay in a good mood despite how you feel, choosing to push yourself another mile is what makes it difficult, but so rewarding.

This prep has proven to me that despite anything, you can choose to be strong in a situation. And for people, especially women who have dealt with disordered eating and poor relationships with food, body, and exercise, this is gospel! When the world denies you, when your feelings are overwhelming, and when you absolutely melt down like I did last week; you can get back up! The choice to improve is simple, it’s the process of change that is so daunting. But you don’t have to change everything overnight. Even this competition prep is a week-by-week, day-by-day, meal-by-meal situation.

Even those super skinnies that I stand next to aren’t perfect. They’re in process of improving. We’re all human.

I’m hoping that with continued efforts on and off stage, I will be able to have a wider audience and fulfill that childhood dream of changing minds and lives.